We met at a party and began a relationship by mutual consent, despite very different personal problems: his wife had just put on the door and for my part, I had received a diagnosis of incurable cancer my cat.
We also shared our passion for music and we spent many evenings singing folk songs, accompanying him on guitar.
Around the age of 40, I became a writer after a medical career, and as I had always attached importance to my work, I’ve never met someone I wanted to marry. I found out quickly that it was good. But after six months of romance, everything collapsed. My boyfriend told me that he considered himself a “damaged goods” and that he did not want to venture down the slippery slope of emotional intimacy. He did not want to marry again. He would not live with another woman. And moreover, he sought an informal relationship. I was stunned when I said goodbye and wished good luck. The day after our separation, I deleted my Facebook friends list, considering that it would allow me to move forward. But the temptation to throw a last glance proved too strong. The next day I landed on the Facebook page of his ex, and from there I had access to their profile. I knew it was terrifying, but I could not control myself. I felt lost without him and I was looking for a mixed form of intimacy through the Internet. The ritual has become a daily basis. Every morning I walked all the nooks and crannies of the page of my ex lover through his ex-wife profile. One day, I found a link to one of his last songs on guitar. He smiled and greeted his fans. He had clearly evolved, unlike me, still sprawled on my couch. My mood has darkened. The obsessive cyber harassment that followed my separation is not unique to me. In a study published in 2014 by Anabel Quan-Haase, an associate professor at Western and Veronika Lukacs, a graduate student, 88 percent of the participants of this research have remained “friends” on Facebook with their ex-partner admitted to stealthily visit the site of their former partners after separation. This means snooping on the pages of another person and read their profile but without interacting. This form of monitoring was not confined to the pages of the former partner; 74 percent of respondents admitted to having watched or seek to find the profile of the new partner of their former or prospective candidate.
When I shared this statistic with one of my knowledge, she said, sniffling, “I would say 99 percent. Others do simply not admit. “” This action comes from snooping real need to return to the emotional relationship, explains Anabel Quan-Haase. These people are trying to relate to what was important and significant in this relationship. ” But this habit of snooping can become toxic.
Research conducted in 2012 by Tara C. Marshall of Brunel University in England confirms what many thought: harassment on Facebook harms emotional recovery. This study shows that people who “pursued” their ex on Facebook suffered longer and more importantly of psychological distress. “Every visit these pages awakens unresolved feelings you might feel towards your ex partner, says Tara C. Marshall.” Experts in cyperpsychologie say that harassment on Facebook may have the opposite effect than expected. According Anabel Quan-Haase, people snooping on the site of their former partners hope to discover that he is as unhappy as they are. “If the indications that the other person goes ahead, this can be very painful, she said. »
But it is difficult to collect accurate picture of his ex on Facebook. But according to Tara C. Marshall, “many people adopt image management tactics on Facebook: they display flattering pictures of themselves, carefully write their list of interests or display pictures that make believe that they have an exciting social life. ” The Guy Grenier psychologist in London, Ontario argues that “the Internet snooping prevents you to face reality, to realize that the relationship is over and you have to take your own life.”My own life has fallen idle when I devoted all my energies to spy on my ex. Even during a family cruise on the Rhine, I borrowed the computer of the boat and I was tortured by the slowness of the device to download the profile of my ex. I could have continued indefinitely this course self-destructive but for another explosive event. One evening, about four months after my separation, my sister told me bad news that changed my perspective we had found him precancerous cells in the left breast. I stopped to pray for the recovery of my relationship and I put my energies to want my sister back to health. This withdrawal was affected viscerally. My heart beat faster when I went to the computer side and I had an itchy finger to login. But I stood my ground and obsessive behavior fainted. Although the need to harass a person on Facebook will disappear over time, experts say there are some practical steps to help fight this desire. Tara C. Marshall advises to block ex-partner if you feel you can not resist the temptation to snoop. “Out of sight, out of heart, she said. “Dr. Peggy Richter, director of the clinic obsessive-compulsive disorder and related disorders in the psychiatry department at the Toronto Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre advocates the search for the” real relationships “outside of cyberspace, of course not with your ex! “The relationship offline is the reward, she says. “There is more than a year now that I have completed this relationship and I am well established in the physical world. I do not have the temptation to snoop on the Facebook page of my former partner. Instead of wandering in cyberspace, I sprinkled real life the seeds of friendship. I joined the Running Room and I volunteer with Amnesty International and I became responsible for a writing group. I regularly visit my sister who, thank God, is healthy. I have not yet met my prince, but I hope it will materialize one day. Until then, I am firmly rooted in real life.